Anon Excerpts

Alright. Time to think some things through.

Okay, this is definitely going to be long. and very stream-of-concious-y. here goes:

I don’t know what I want. i don’t know why. maybe it has something to do with depression? hmmm. should probably ask therapist. 

Know I want girlfriend. why. want love of some kind? something non-familial. want somebody that i’m not related to to tell me i’m a good person. want physical contact. feel alone. really liked sitting with girl with arm around her during date. want to happen again. what about sex? very apprehensive. don’t know if I really want it. would almost definitely not initiate it.

problems: school. can’t find motivation to do work. finding school more and more pointless. no longer find any joy in what I used to like there. can’t even make myself go to dance. too scared. really need girlfriend thing to work out.

putting too much thought into girlfriend situation? maybe think it will solve too much. remember: relationships do not solve all of life’s problems.

Problems: college. don’t know what I want to do. scared to be away form everyone I know. afraid that everybody will forget me. have they already? never ask me to do anything, never want to hang out. never ask how I feel, but that might be a guy thing. prone to telling people how i feel. probably does not help me socially. scared to be in a new situation. new things scare me. never sure what to do. same with homework.

never want to do anything unless I have instructions. examples: homework. not getting things done because I don;t understand them. for some reason don’t ask for help. why? pride issues? ego? more examples: dating. Had to ask a girl exactly what I should do on a date. was afraid I couldn’t do it myself. why am I able to ask for help from people i’m friends with but not teachers? I know they want to help me. why not parents, for that matter? too close. too annoying. 

seems I only seek help from people I can easily separate myself from. Or people I think won’t remember me. Anxiety? neurotic? do the same thing with girls: only ask them out once it’s too late. has happened many times. only ask out girls I can easily never see again. and when I do see them again, I can’t think of them as just friends. issues with rejection? can’t seem to fully comprehend the idea. latest girl seems to be working to fix this. asked her out with another meeting guaranteed. still facing near breakdowns from fears about her not liking me. like the rest of them. Can’t be in contact with her enough. I just want to get to the point where i know if she likes me. Sidenote: can fall in love too easily. can control it, but not well. only outward emotions. inward, i die inside whenever a girl i like starts dating somebody. has happened way too many times. can tend to talk to people i like too much, and talk about too much too soon. need to control that.

tend to quit. has gotten worse. tired of people telling me that i’m smart. constant reassurance makes it seem like there’s constant doubt. want to be normal, smart people have too many problems. social anxiety, self consciousness, inability to be happy as easily, prone to alcoholism. am way too willing to drink. if I had reliable access to alcohol and no chance of getting caught, would probably be very drunk most of the time. back to quitting. tend to back out of things now. schoolwork, tests, quizzes, relationships, to a degree. classes. dropped first class, dropped out of IB. back to not knowing what I want. 

fuck, dude. If I didn’t have a sense of humor there is no way I’d be able to cope with this crap. And if i wasn’t so opposed to cliches, I’d probably be the most depressed person i could imagine. instead I repress the feelings. really bad way to deal with them. need to work on it badly.

alright. that’s enough. I’m going to go to sleep now, and try really hard to forget about my problems.

I don’t understand what’s happening.

I don’t get it. Everything just seems horrible now. I have no real motivation. Am I depressed? It would make sense, but it would be really cliche. I kinda hope it’s just something I can fix in therapy. And I also hope that this girl I’m trying to date will help too. Getting my mind off of it all would really help.

Or maybe I’m just spreading myself too thin? Using too many distractions? Fuck. It’s so hard to figure it out. I guess you can’t psychoanalyze yourself.

What’s happening.

I’ve found a girl. I’m pretty sure i like her. I want to see her more. Not being able to drive is currently a problem. But i really really want to spend more time with her. i just don’t know what to do. I can’t even text her of send her messages on facebook. She lost her phone and is berely on facebook. So i don’t know how to reach her. How am i supposed to compete with the people that see her everyday? How am i supposed to build any kind of relationship when i can barely even talk to her? Ugh. It’s incredibly annoying.

hell if i can think of anything.

i miss her. i know she doesn’t like me, but i just wish she hadn’t just completely dropped out of contact. like, whatever happened to staying friends? and why the hell does she ignore me? it’s not like none of my attempts are getting through. there’s literally no way she could miss them. she just ignores them, silently mocking me, talking to people who i know, just occasionally popping up in my feed. just often enough to remind me about her. to remind me that she doesn’t care about me. it makes me want to hate her, but it really just makes me hate myself.

but you know, i can’t bring myself to block her. for some reason i think she’ll magically decide to start talking to me again, or that any of them will. but i know it won’t happen. all of them have moved on. from me, at least. all of them act like i never existed, while for some infuriating reason staying in contact with everybody around me. do you know how horrible that makes me feel? it makes me feel like shit, that’s how bad it is. Like i’m not good enough for them to remember me, to pretend to like me, like they apparently did while they were actually here. it makes me wonder if anybody i know cares. if when I leave for college, they’ll care enough to keep in contact. probably not. i get the feeling that all of my “friends” will completely forget me as soon as i’m out of sight. I’m just some fleeting annoyance to them, somebody to deal with until he leaves. 

man, fuck relationships. all of ‘em. they just end up making me depressed.

Romantic Musings no. 3

i seem to have the worst luck with the girls i like. for instance: this one girl, who is just stunning, and is just flirty all the time (though she is to everyone, so that really shouldn’t mean much), has a boyfriend. And yet i like her. I like girls who never seem to pay attention to me. i like girls that are clearly attracted to somebody else. and once they start dating somebody, i still like them. I can;t make myself stop, even though i know that it’ll just be weird. Even if they’re going out with one of my friends, i can’t stop. i guess i think that they might leave them for me, but thinking i act like that makes me feel absolutely horrible. rather, i choose to ignore that.

you know, i think i’m really a romantic. but i just have trouble showing my feelings. which has probably screwed me over multiple times.

oh, and about the ending of my last post: i lied. the fuck are you gonna do about it? it’s my dead-end microblog, and i’ll do what i want with it.

Romantic Musings no. 2

Why is it that any time I ask a girl out they shoot me down? or any time i try to find anyone to do something with, they’re suddenly “busy?” Why does nobody care enough about me to spend some time with me? or at least talk to me? it’s bullshit. I ask a girl out, she says no, but when her ex asks her out (admittedly, i have no problems with either party, in fact i’m friends with them both) she’s suddenly dating him? And i know for a fact that he’s been busy almost all last week, which is when she said he asked her out. Which is bullshit. they wouldn’t even have been able to see each other in person. Man, fuck people.

Fuck it. my next post is gonna be one of those writing prompts.

Romantic Musings no. 1

I gotta wonder. How is it possible that there are so many good looking girls around? I don’t mean perfect girls, but good looking girls seem to be everywhere. And I understand that life isn’t like the movies or what have you and that statistically, most girls will be pretty average-looking, but still, I know very few truly ugly girls. Maybe I just have low standards, or I know a disproportionate number of beautiful women. Either way, it’s pretty puzzling.

Writing prompts.

The visitor.

Oh, hello depression. How nice of you to come by! No, it’s no trouble. I love when you visit. I mean, last time you were over you beat up self confidence. Oh, and you left some of your crippling sense of inadequacy. I just put it in the fridge in case you wanted to take it back. What’s that? You brought more? Well, that’s just… wonderful. Totally fine. Now, i was just going to set up the couch in the back for y- huh? Well, i don’t know what rationality would think about that, but i guess you could take my room for now. How long are you going to be- oh. Fired? Now, why on earth would anybody want to fire you? Your just so… down to earth. Well, i’ll help you look for a job in the mean time. No, it’s fine. I just have to make sure social life gets his stuff done, and then- no, i’m pretty sure he wouldn’t like that. No, he specifically told me- a vacation? Why would he take a- for how long? Oh no. No, no, no. This won’t do. Oh boy. Okay, i’m going to give him a call, you watch the place for a little bit while i’m gone.

Okay, he should be on his way back. The weirdest thing though, he claims you hit him over the head with a monkey wrench. No, of course not. Yeah. I’m not even sure you’d know where to get a monkey wrench. Ex- yes, exactly. Now, what’s that behind you? Is that a bat? What do you need that for? Here, hand it over. Now, what’s that on the ground? Oh my. Entertainment seems to be unconcious. From a head wound. From a baseball bat. What a terrible coincidence. Ah well. I’m sure he’ll be fine in no time.

Now, how about that job? What, no, please. Can you keep this one, i already have a list of fears- yes, it’s the one you gave me last time. Oh, this is an updated copy? Well, i guess i should- what? Oh, no, really, i don’t need another- fine. I suppose i’ll throw this with the rest of the Issues you gave me. You know, you never mentioned how bad they get if they get damp. Yes, well, i suppose i could put them on the clothesline, but wouldn’t the neighbors see them? Well, of course i care. It so happens i like my neighbor. Quite a lot actually. Well, i was going to let social life handle it- no, please, you don’t have to help. No, don’t- come on. I don’t want her to know you’re here- well shit. Too late for that i guess. Whatever. Just come get me when the damage is done. I’ll be asleep. On the couch.